Blog Title

First Contact

2018-06-13T00:00:00Z

How do I go about getting in touch with a counsellor?

I have had quite a lot of new enquiries this week: some have gone smoothly, some have gone... less so. It made me think about how I could make this easier on new clients?

Recognising that we’re in trouble can be a tough place to be, searching for support and reaching out can seem way too scary and hard work: I mean, where do you start?

First things first – Are you ok to go and see your GP? They can refer you to relevant Mental Health Support Services.

If you don’t feel able to go to your GP, please check your options at your place of work, many companies have excellent Mental Health Support available to employees. Check out your options, and the confidentiality of such services i.e. will there be reports written for your employer?

If neither of these options is open to you, then have a search online for relevant charities out there. Mind can often signpost you to specific support services that might be of help to you.

If you would rather (for many reasons) seek Mental Health Support privately then there are many many counsellors and therapists out there all waiting to help. It’s worth a look at the BACP and Counselling Directory.

At this point is where you (hopefully!) come in to contact with me. So you may be wondering: "how do I go about making first contact with you?" There is lots of information on my website and in my blogs, and I try to be myself there so that clients can get a feel for who I am from the very first glance online.

I am hyper-aware that clients are often very unsure, nervous and sometimes even resentful or defensive. Most of us don’t really want to be where we are and we don’t want to be making that enquiry, we’d rather that our lives hadn’t led us to this point. It is at this point that I need to be my most professional, careful and caring. I need to look after your best interests, even if at first (from your point of view) it may not seem like I am.

Clients choose the form of initial contact that they themselves are most comfortable with: be it email, text, phone, or letter. I will do my very best to be warm, welcoming, yet professional and protect your confidentiality.

Before your first session, I may seem reluctant to enter into too much of a discussion about what you it is you are wishing to discuss. This is because we have not yet met, and there is no Counselling Agreement in place to protect you and your confidentiality. Clients who are seeking Counselling can be very nervous and not quite themselves when they first make contact, they may say things that they later wish they hadn’t. Its my role to allow you to enter in a safe professional space where you are able to talk freely once I have explained how this counselling malarkey works and then you can make informed decisions about what you then share or don’t share with me: I hope that makes sense!

So I am not able to enter into a lengthy email exchange, I will limit initial telephone conversations to about 15 -20 minutes, and I will monitor how many texts are exchanged. As I have sat in both chairs in a counselling room, having had my own therapy, I am aware how important that initial contact is, and in my professional role I get nervous too.

From the start, from the very first "Hello!" it is my role to keep you safe: I have to put in safe boundaries and ensure that when you enter into a Counselling Relationship with me you are fully informed and able to understand and give informed consent. So I hope you can see that I'm not reluctant, in fact I am quite the opposite: I am already invested and very carefully putting you and your confidentiality first!

I hope that helps? Any questions please do get in touch.

Maybe my issues aren't "bad enough"

2017-09-17T00:00:00Z

Many clients worry that they are not “bad” enough or “poorly” enough to come to counselling sessions. Often in sessions they say things like, “I bet you deal with some really bad situations, and I’m here whining on about my little world.” Some clients, having looked at my LinkedIn profile, see that I work with Embrace CVOC and think that they should stop bothering me so that I can get on with my so called “real” cases….

My answer is always the same to one and all: if its bothering you, then it’s important.

Back in August I was reading a book (not a counselling book) and I tweeted this quote from it:

"Not important at the moment" "It is to you. I'm sorry"

We all experience life very differently, we all have very different histories, backgrounds and experiences. We all currently have very different circumstances and lives and we all hope for very different things for the future. What keeps me going might not even register on your radar.

For example: this morning both the BACP It's Good To Talk and the Counselling Directory web sites have issues. One has lost my profile and one is very slow responding. You might think "M’eh? And? So?" But for me this means that I am losing possible referrals as we speak: clients reaching out for help will not see my profiles and won’t seek support from me. Both worrying for the clients, and I will lose out on possible income and my little family will have to tighten its collective belt. So, this possibly small thing (as you might see it) is causing a ripple effect through my day.

In person-centred counselling sessions, client and counsellor meet. Your counsellor will attempt to accept the invite into your world. A good counsellor will put aside judgement and enter your reality, they will walk beside you and be there whilst you try to unravel and explore these feelings that have persisted enough that you have taken the serious and very brave step of entering the counselling space. I always say to clients: it's important enough to bring you here today so let’s talk about it.

Obviously as a counsellor I do deal with all sorts of clients, and all sorts of client issues. Personally, I would prefer that you come to me as soon as you are worried or uncomfortable, so that we can together do some preventative work, and give you the tools to prevent things from getting awfully messy.

If you think of my clients as cars obviously I can be the AA and assist you when the engine fell out or exploded. But it would be safer for you if you come in and get stuff checked out when the warning light first comes on, or you hear that small clunk*. But sometimes life gets in the way, and you turn up the radio and ignore the issue… but often times the issues only persists and in time may even get worse and in the end be way worse than if you’d have come in when it was an irritating kind of little thingy wotsit.

So basically please don’t fret: come in and see me. We’ll explore together and see what we can do to make life more bearable.

Mind how you go

* My local garage has been 'counselling' my car for a small, persistent 'clunk' for over a year. They've now repaired a possibly serious fault, but it still clunks. I've learned to live with it as a side-effect of it getting older, and treat it accordingly!

Image: imightbegandalf on Imgr

Please don’t ask for credit as refusal often offends

2017-09-15T00:00:00Z

Money! Payment! Urgh!

You’d think by now I’d be better at this bit of Private Practice: I’m not.

Recently, I have had a number of unpleasant uncomfortable experiences around the payment side of working as a Counsellor. I am very clear on my website that sessions at the moment are £40, with a few sessions available at £30 if required. I have spent an awful lot of time developing my website in order to make it what it is and one of things I wanted was a simple, crystal clear payment amount and methods.

When clients enquire about sessions often location and cost are upmost in their minds: I have made a simple page to present these issues easily and clearly.

And yet, I have had a client attend a session, complete the session and then tell me that they do not have the funds to pay for the session. Awkward!

I appreciate that Private Counselling is expensive, I do get that: as I was training and now I am in practice I have to have my own personal therapy sessions which are obviously self-funded. My appreciation of cost is what keeps my prices as accessible as I can make them, its one of the reasons that I work from home in order to keep my overheads low and pass the savings on to clients.

I do feel that turning up for a session, completing the session all without admitting that you do not have the funds to pay for it is akin to filling up your car, and then driving off from a petrol station without paying. I would never, ever, ever even contemplate doing this so I was mortified that a client had done this to me. Why would the client consider that this was ok? We would never go to a restaurant enjoy a meal and then shrug and say "Oh I’m sorry I can’t afford it today"… would we? So I do wonder why my client thought that this was ok?

On another occasion, when a client suggested that I might forego the sessions fee and contribute it to a charity they were supporting, I demurred and then at the end of the session the client then queried whether I wanted the full payment. Again, I was professional but I was mortified, embarrassed and offended. I would never turn up to a private dentist, solicitor, beauty therapist etc. and try to get out of paying. Its rude quite frankly!

On each of these occasions I might have come to an agreement or arrangement with the client involved if I had been given prior notice and we had discussed it in a professional manner. However Counselling is a relationship, and like all relationships it is massively important in order for that relationship to remain safe and professional that boundaries are set, met and maintained. I do have a Counselling Agreement that sets out those boundaries very very clearly.

Perhaps because Counselling or Therapy is such a caring and personal profession, maybe people forget that an awful lot of things goes into it. It is not as easy as sitting in a room, tilting your head and saying "Oh Dear", and making cups of tea.

I have blogged before about the route to becoming a counsellor and I have blogged about Charging for short notice cancellations, or DNA’s (did not attend)

Before even being considered for a place on a counselling course you have to have done some work or voluntary work to prove your interest, experience and commitment. The courses themselves are very expensive: this year’s Keele Fees are Year 1 £2,250, Year 2 and 3 £4,050 each. Ouch! Yup but it gets worse then whilst you are most likely not earning or only working part time there are many additional costs:

Obligatory personal therapy sessions
Obligatory Voluntary Hours on Placement (clothing, travel, parking etc )
Obligatory Supervision Sessions
Membership of a Professional Organisation
Travel Costs, Parking Costs, Childcare whilst attending University
Text Books, Food, Coffee

I am sure others would add even more… Once you are trained and qualified the costs do not stop. Whilst you are in Private Practice there are lots of things to pay out for:

Professional Indemnity Insurance
DBS Checks
Membership of a Professional Organisation
Obligatory personal therapy sessions
Obligatory Supervision Sessions
Obligatory Continuing Professional Development (Course Fees, Travel Costs, Accommodation, Child Care etc)
Paying for Profiles on the BACP Find a Therapist site and Counselling Directory and others
Networking
Therapy toys, Materials, Books, Furnishings, Candles, flowers, coffee, water, tissues.
Rent or Upkeep of a Counselling space
Stationary and Software
Website Costs Broadband Costs
Advertising
Phone Line
Travel Costs
Accountant

So when you come to see me I have already paid all of this out, and I continue to do so. I blogged about all the things you get in a therapy session, backed up by all of the things (and more) listed on here.

So, please don’t ask for credit as refusal often offends!

Hello From The Other Side

2017-01-11T00:00:00Z

Charging for short notice cancellations, or DNA’s (did not attend) is something I have struggled with. Personally for me Counselling is one of the caring professions, and often people who come to counselling sessions can be hurt, grieving, muddled, anxious, confused: their lives can be very chaotic. Clients' mental health can be quite fragile, and I ask myself do I want to add to all this?

However, flip to today: My child is off school poorly, my husband who is self-employed has kindly offered to work from home so that said child will be cared for and not disturb any counselling sessions I’ve got booked in for today. I have woken early to shower, dress professionally, eat a breakfast that will see me through the sessions with no grumbly tums, I’ve then made sure the heating is on, the counselling room clean & tidy, I’ve put water in the coffee machine and lit the candles: all is ready and waiting.

The client then rings to cancel.

So what you might say? You are providing a service the client doesn’t care about your side of things: you’re a professional... Man Up! That’s life!

Or you might say that the client has a perfectly understandable reason for their non-attendance? You’d be right.

Again, flip to my side for a minute: If I were to cancel at the last minute or simply not attend (and I’ve heard some horror stories), clients would soon lose their trust in me and stop coming to sessions.

Recently in a Thriveworks article I saw booking in for counselling as likened to buying tickets for a gig, you wouldn’t expect a venue such as a theatre or football club to not charge you or refund your tickets if you didn’t attend would you? Why do I see my counselling sessions as any different?

Therapy is a relationship of sorts (different for everyone) and for any relationship to work there needs to be investment in the relationship; the work needs to be valued… I invest on my side: I am a trained qualified professional, I provide a clean comfortable warm environment, I set aside and protect my time for your needs. Clients invest by bringing themselves to the session prepared to do some work on themselves and/or their situation and they pay for my time to be safeguarded for them.

If clients do not attend, they have unfortunately prevented another client from using that time and space. The BACP sets limits on how many clients I can see during my working week: this is to keep clients safe. Therefore I only have a certain amount of spaces/sessions available: if clients reserve those spaces and then don’t use them they go to waste, which is a huge shame when other clients are waiting to see me. So, in conclusion, I will be charging for late cancellations or no shows.

I Don't Know What To Say?

2016-12-21T00:00:00Z

Whether it’s the first session or whether you’ve been coming a while, clients have been known to say "I don’t know what to say? I don’t know what to talk about?"

The simple answer is anything you want to talk about – but for some that can kind of be intimidating – cue tumbleweed sound effects!

But please don’t fret: my style of counselling is very gentle, easy, more like a chat: not quite coffee and a chat (although they are both on offer) because I offer a situation that’s very different to talking to a friend. My room is very private, what you say is truly confidential and I am a professional: I am trained and I have standards that I adhere to.

However, the time offered is genuinely yours: I have no agenda. I will only challenge you as much as you want me to. So we can talk about whatever you wish to talk about. I reckon that what bubbles up in conversation is what’s most important to you at that time. My Dad used to interview people for jobs and he always said that you learn more about candidates whilst getting coffee and walking down the corridor than in the formal, sterile interview session. Some clients talk absolutely non-stop, some talk a lot with only the odd interjection from me, some its more 50-50, others I start by talking more and gradually they take the reigns, and some talk very little or not at all: and that’s all okay. Individual counselling sessions, even with the same client, can be extremely varied, sometimes really quite odd (taking the client themselves by surprise), and sometimes even unintentionally humorous. I honestly do not seek to control where they go: you have the steering wheel, I’m riding shotgun! Clients can be surprised to hear that I have no grand plan, that I have no idea where each session will go and what we will discuss.

Some clients have a plan mapped out on their smartphone, some take the back of a fag packet plan idea, and some wing it completely. Each and every style works for the individual that uses it. I don’t set tasks, or homework: some clients do reflect on their sessions and come back the next week with notes to explore and that’s fine. Other clients treat each session as a fresh start and have often very much moved on from where they were at the last session before they come to the next and that’s fine too.

It is my view that something brought you to my door: what that is we’ll work it out between us in time and when you’re ready to go there. I used to work in a Grief & Loss Counselling Service, where clients arrived as they were bereaved, grieving or had had a loss: many times though we found that the initial grief had unearthed or led to a different matter altogether that needed addressing and that was okay too.

Personally I see it as my role to create a suitable environment, conditions and atmosphere that allows you to feel comfortable and confident enough to explore your private personal thoughts. Its kind of my job to help you to feel okay to talk, to work out what it is you feel that you would like to talk about. Some clients say “should I talk about that?" (there’s a should swear box for them - there are no _should_s in my counselling space), others say you’ll think it silly/daft/stupid/mean/bitchy… I won’t think badly of you, often I’m found telling clients that their reactions are “normal” and to be expected and no, I am not shocked/disgusted or appalled at all!

So please don’t fret that you don’t know what to talk about: we’ll explore what's important to you, on that day, at that time. One client likened coming to sessions to letting out the built-up fizz in a Coke bottle: it just lets them go out and about afterwards without fear of a messy embarrassing outburst at an inopportune time.

50 Ways To Leave Your… Counsellor

2016-09-20T00:00:00Z

So, the summer is coming to an end; seasons are changing. So, too are my clients: there is a change of the guard as some clients have left and new clients start. As autumn develops and winter approaches I tend to get busier than in the balmier months of summertime. Counselling can be a funny old business.

A bit like Nanny McPhee and Mary Poppins, endings are a fact of life for counsellors: clients arrive on the door step loaded down with their stuff and things, we do our work and then clients move on. Clients often leave their troubles safely in the counselling space with me and ride off into sunset (hopefully).

It’s a bittersweet moment and I often say to clients that it feels wrong to say “its been a pleasure”, but often it has. Also, I often say that “I hope I don’t see you again”, because that would mean (a bit like the emergency services) that things are going a bit wrong again for my clients. Some do dip in and out for a top up as it were, for a maintenance check.

So, endings?

Ideally either counsellor or client signals the end of a period of counselling in advance. In a super-ideal world the end is mutually recognised as approaching, and the client feels ready. An ideal ending is talked about and prepared for and whilst it can often be sad, the ending is amicable and professional.

Yup, you’ve guessed it, we’re often not in an ideal world:

Some clients have their session numbers limited by the organisation paying for them, and so we seem to prepare for the ending before we’ve begun.

Sudden unforeseen circumstances can pull the plug without warning: finances, transport issues, relationship endings, fall-outs with the person paying (for instance parents), moving house, moving jobs, childcare issues, illness … The list is seemingly endless. If a client lets me know their circumstances and keeps me informed I can work with them and we can end sessions in a calm prepared professional manner. Sometimes, this ending can even happen by phone, text or email. As a Counsellor I work with real people in real life so I get that things can be less than ideal at times and so we go with it.

Unfortunately however, clients can just stop coming.

Clearly, coming to counselling is the client’s choice and particularly as a Person-Centred Counsellor I thoroughly believe and stand by the client’s right to choose. But from my point of view when a client “ghosts” me it can be very disconcerting. I am only human when all said and done!

I fret that the client is OK; I worry about them: has anything happened to prevent them from coming to counselling; I worry that I had not done my job properly; I worry that I have offended them; I worry that things got too intense for them and they are now left holding all that… The thoughts and worries are numerous.

As with any human-to-human interaction an unknown, dissatisfying ending can linger and so I worry about the feelings and aftermath around that for the client: as a Counsellor I am trained and I have my clinical supervisor, clients can be private people so they can be left dealing with all of that alone which is so not the point.

There are thoughts that people’s human interactions throughout their lives are directly informed and affected by their “Attachment Style”. I won’t go into this here: but I do believe this can affect the client-counsellor relationship dynamic.

Ideally Counselling can be a way to model behaviour ready for in the real world so that clients might practice new ways of being and learn from past interactions and patterns of behaviour, so it is my sincere hope that I can work with my clients and draw their sessions to a timely, appropriate and amicable ending. But if not, maybe there is still learning to be done for both parties even in an imperfect ending. I am still getting used to “the not knowing”, which is a term used in training for work at The Samaritans.

Parents, Children & Young People

2016-06-14T00:00:00Z

Neroli Counselling is an ethical private counselling practice in Bignall End (North Staffordshire). I work with people from all walks of life and I work with all ages: my youngest client is 4 years old and my oldest is 84 years old. An area that is very close to my heart is supporting Staff, Children & Young People as they navigate their way through education.

In recent times I have seen an increase in the number of Children and Young People referred to me by their parents. I do often wonder why this is so…? Is it the shocking state of publicly funded Children’s Mental Health Services in the local area? Is it the lengthy waiting lists to be seen by many overloaded but brilliant and hard working agencies in the voluntary sector? Is it my vast and diverse experience of working with Children and Young People, Families, Organisations alongside and within the Education System (over 15 years) Is it “word of mouth” recommendations from previous clients who liked my work? (this is my preferred reason)

I really don’t know the answer. I do know that Working with Children and Young People through a charity in this area is amazing. The "Dark Side" is when I have to bring funded sessions to an end as clients have had their quota. I try to signpost to other sources of support. For those who can't afford to pay for their own sessions, The picture is shocking: all agencies/charities are overloaded with long referral forms, huge waiting lists and seemingly capricious remits and targets... seriously struggling. But that’s another story…

The subject of todays blog is Parents who bring their Children and Young People to Counselling within the Private Sector.

People find themselves coming to counselling for many, many different reasons. It can be, at least at first, an uncomfortable experience. This results in most people wanting it to be over as fast as possible and sorted, done, dusted. Clients or loved ones often ask:

Can you fix this?  How long till I feel better?  How many sessions will it take?

Parents, in particular, when bringing children and young people have all their hopes pinned on me: I am the chosen one, one waft of my magic wand, an enigmatic smile and all will be better and brighter (I know, as I have been that parent.) Parents would often also like me to do so for as little money as possible: family finances are often very delicate and the thought of indefinite sessions can bring most parents pulse rates up at an alarming rate. Hopefully you will find it comforting to know that as a member of the BACP I am ethically required not to continue with therapy for longer than required.

What are you talking about in sessions?

I know that handing your child over to another professional adult can be an anxious time for a myriad of reasons. When I sent my son for counselling I personally found it intimidating to think that that grown up would be hearing intimate, personal and potentially embarrassing details about daily life in my home. What might they think of me? Would they judge me? Am I a bad parent? Professional Counsellor Persona ("Neroli Counselling" me) knows the other side of these worries: I am fully aware of the strict code of ethics counsellors follow which includes clauses about confidentiality. The counsellor is not there to judge you or anyone else in your family, their sole purpose is to help your child manage their problems and try to resolve them in a positive way. I know this true, but as a parent whose child went to Younger Minds I still fretted despite their very useful info page.

I bet he/she just complains about me?

The British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) says that “therapy offers you a safe, confidential place to talk about your life and anything that may be confusing, painful or uncomfortable”.

Sadly, parents, that can include you… Sorry. Often clients really don’t want to say the things they say to me to people that they are going to have to see day in, day out. Some things are really just too personal, awkward, embarrassing or painful. As a counsellor I have no part in peoples’ daily lives, both me and the clients’ thoughts stay neatly in my little box (aka counselling room). They can leave the nastiness with me, they don’t have to see “it” written all over their parents' face.

I also get the lovely liberty of working one-to-one without distractions with your child. I really get to see the very best of them. I am aware that I may have upset several adult clients who are also parents who have teenagers: I said many people run from Children and Young People whereas I love to work with them. What I don’t always get to clarify is that I don’t have to live with them 24/7 nor them with me. I can (for a short period of time) give them what they need. Apologies to any adult clients who may not have heard the clarification!

Is there a plan? An Aim? A target?

No! I know, shocking isn’t it…

For once in their daily lives, there is no adult telling them what they can and cannot do. That’s not How Person centred Counselling works.

I would like to see some goal setting? I think he/she needs to work on this….?

Whilst you as parent are paying for the sessions, with all due respect you are not my client. It is my professional role to protect your child's therapeutic space, strange as it sounds often I am like a bouncer and if your name ain’t on the list you’re not coming in. Obviously with your and your child's permission we can gently and respectfully negotiate some flexibility on this and discuss issues that you both wish to discuss but you have to trust me to to my job. It sounds a bit dramatic but you wouldn’t second guess an A&E Medic or a Paramedic coming out to assist your child, so you need to let me do my thing. I will work with you, but sometimes it’s a very delicate tight rope walk between your child's needs in the counselling space and you as a parent. I feel very passionately that it is my job to listen to your child to listen to their voice, even if their voice shakes and is barely audible.

How many more sessions?

The benefit of Private Practice is flexibility, we can have as few or as many sessions as your child needs/requires or likes. I have had a child have only 1 session, some clients take much longer. Many charities and government agencies are often limited to 6 or maybe 10 sessions maximum. Sadly often with vulnerable children it can take that long just to build up the trust and relationship required to begin the therapeutic work. In some cases we have had to work on ending sessions, before the real work has begun: as a counsellor that can be heart wrenching.

If you are ever unsure or unhappy with the number of sessions or perhaps unable to fund more, or you might even want to set a limit from the onset please do let me know at a convenient and discreet time. We can work it out.

When will I see a return on my investment?

Obviously with pressure on family finances ever increasing, parents do want to know when will they see results… unfortunately counselling our children and young people is something that’s very hard to quantify…. So here are some things that children have told me:

I received one-to-one attention. I received a trained professional’s full, undivided attention, in a safe confidential environment with no interruptions. I was able to set the agenda, I was in control of what went on and what was discussed, it was up to me. I received a friendly warm and understanding environment where I felt at home and able to discuss some very raw emotions. I was able to discuss some things that felt selfish, self-absorbed, possibly even self-pitying. I was able to process my own reactions to things that I had heard or that had been said to me. I was able to stop for a moment and look at events, people and stories in my life. I was able to sift through what on earth was going on in my own head. I was able to have a big sort out: pretend my head is a messy desk: I cleared away the scraps, the rubbish, the old things I no longer use.

So Yes indeed it is very hard to find a measure of success. However I find myself privileged both as a parent and as a counsellor to have witnessed the positive after-effects of person-centred counselling sessions. Its often in the little things… more confidence, sleeping through the night, going into school more happily, making and keeping friends, smiles, teachers reporting on little successes, children chattering about their day, reporting on events, being more willing and able to take part in activities, overcoming natural shyness, interacting with other adults in the family confidently.

I sincerely hope that this explains a few things, and eases some worries perhaps!

"How Many Sessions Until It's Fixed?"

2016-03-24T00:00:00Z

Can you fix this? How long till I feel better? How many sessions will it take?

Parents, in particular, when bringing children and young people have all their hopes pinned on you: you are the chosen one, one waft of your magic wand, an enigmatic smile and all will be better and brighter (I know, as I have been that parent.)

Grown-ups or adults sometimes expect me to be some mad mix of a kickass heroine such as Xena Warrior Princess and a Fairy Godmother riding to their rescue over a rainbow on an equally kickass Unicorn….

Yup, about that…

I would so love to be that kickass heroine. Most counsellors want to help people, they want to make the pain go away… why else would they do this, eh? But I don’t have any magic powers. I often lament my lack of crystal ball, time machine and said magic wand. But then again, we’re in to the realms of sliding doors, butterfly and ripple effects resulting in parallel universes… Oh, the What If’s! The would’ve, should’ve, could’ve….

Anyhow, back to our heroine… or rather lack of one. There’s, well, just me! I am me, from Crewe, with a slightly northern, slightly Stokie accent. Quite tall for a girl, a bit plump, a lot of dark hair, pale skin and wears a lot of purple (all descriptions that clients have been known to say).

So, no Magic Powers or Super Hero Capes: what I can do is offer you a safe, confidential, professional space that is yours and yours alone. You can turn off the filter, and say it how it really is. I hope that by providing you with a space that is yours, is confidential and where there is no need for filters will assist you to be able to sort through what is bothering you. I hope that we will be able to look at what you choose to bring in a calm, supportive and gentle manner. I hope that by being alongside you I will be able to make it so that you feel able to really get to grips with your thoughts and feelings and it is my sincere belief that you do have the answer within yourself and you just need some time and support to put your hand on it.

Rather like Marmite, person-centred counselling isn’t for everyone (though it is for more people than Marmite). It can be painful: shining a light at some parts of your life may not be pleasant. However I find myself privileged both as a client and as a counsellor to have witnessed the positive after-effects of person-centred counselling sessions. Clients have been surprised by how different they feel, how their outlook has altered and often small, subtle changes have in fact made big differences.

So, no Super Heroes, magic, fairy dust or sparkly unicorn poop here… although we do do Gremlin Taming… We chase down feral, ankle-biting Gremlins: but that’s a story for another day. We’re starting to hit TL;DR territory.

Take Care

Image by Jo Litchfield for Neroli Counselling

Manicures & Mental Health

2015-12-03T00:00:00Z

Clients of mine soon notice that I love my nail polish and my manicures: in fact one said that they would seriously fret if they ever saw my nails a mess. And wouldn’t you know, that got me thinking…

Manicures and mental health have a lot in common.

You can do a reasonable job of doing your own nails, you can even get a steady-handed mate to help you, but if you want a proper job doing you’ll need to engage a professional*.

If your nails are looking a bit tired and chipped in places, you can patch them up a bit… Or maybe you can keep moving fast enough that no-one gets to see them up close and notice that the blingy shiny nails are actually rather knackered.

You manage as best you can but eventually your nails get into such a state that they really need sorting… so off to your manicure appointment you’ll go…

The first thing a proper professional will want to do is take all the artificial layers off gently and with care to see what we are really dealing with… what’s going on… Because try as you might “you can’t polish a turd”… to get the best finish you’ll need a decent base.

Some people are very lucky and have naturally resilient nails that with a bit of TLC will come back to a healthy state in no time. Others’ nails take a bit more sustained time, nourishment and effort… these people might need coping strategies whilst their own nails sort themselves out over time. Others might have seriously mistreated or suffered damage their nails and need major, sustained, specialist help and treatment.

Once the natural nail base is sorted, your manicurist will then, with you, decide what you would like: they will carefully apply layers and eventually you will have a beautiful finished manicure. You will hopefully go away with the knowledge of how to maintain your nails yourself for as long as possible before you might want to head back for help again or you might have a special occasion that you need extra help with.

Sound familiar? So yes, manicures and mental health do have a lot in common!

*and you must never ever attempt to do your nails whilst drunk ;-)

Are Counsellors like "The Emperor's New Clothes"?

2015-05-10T00:00:00Z

Over the weekend I was at a public engagement and had some disturbing discussions. I am trying to put it into the “live & learn” bracket… yet I am failing. As it is Mental Health Awareness Week I thought I would share both my experience and my personal reactions.

As a Person-Centred Counsellor/Psychotherapist I spend much of my time with clients who by their very attendance at sessions show some form of acceptance and understanding of what I do as legit. Yet, when I attend events and venture out into society I often feel like I am defending myself and my vocation (and yes, I do use that word on purpose), as I often encounter a mix of apathy, dismissal, scepticism and criticism.

Obviously I do what I do because I believe that it is needed and it works. Yet some of the discussions and comments have me questioning this. Have I been living in a self-deluded bubble? Is this what everyone thinks? Some of the more hard-hitting comments I have heard:

“People shouldn’t need counselling, they can access support from family, friends, colleagues, communities… Counselling pathologizes “normal” thinking….”

People who go to counsellors are freeloaders and whiners, you should just “man up” and get on with it… I have to….

You (counsellors) don’t do anything that people can’t do for themselves; you’re a bit like the “emperor's new clothes”

“What do you actually do?” “Are your qualifications real?”

“It’s all do-gooders & bleeding hearts”

“You leech off of the vulnerable and isolated”

Taking a deep breath, my rational side says that these people are a result of their circumstance and experience (their frame of reference) and that they have every right to their own opinion. I wonder how I should respond: I do not wish to sound defensive and as if I have an axe to grind. No one needs to have my beliefs rammed down their throat, yet I am often expected to accept people doubting (at best) or completely deriding my choices.

I wish I could “shake it off” with a “Gallic shrug”, but I can’t. So I will briefly try to answer some of the above questions:

Counsellors are quite clearly needed; you only have to look in the news or at the waiting lists of charities such as The Dove Service. Reams of research prove that counselling can work. GPs refer clients for counselling: we are a legitimate service and resource.

Clearly peoples’ normal coping strategies and/or support systems are failing otherwise they would not seek and pay for the help of an anonymous stranger. Often people make many assumptions… not everyone has support or would like to address their issues with people that they have to face in normal life.

I spend a lot of my time telling clients that their emotions, reactions, thoughts and troubles are both normal and Ok. For some reason emotions and feelings can often be seen as weird and unacceptable in today’s world. People who feel are seen as week.

My clients are amazing people; often they have managed the unmanageable for a long time before they approach me for my help. They try every strategy and coping mechanism (some harmful) before they enter the counselling room.

Yes, my qualifications are real: I have spent a lot of time, money and energy gaining my qualifications and experience. My qualifications are endorsed by the BACP and by the professional standards agency.

I do my very best to keep my prices as low as I am able, but I have also met with prejudice that if you are too cheap then you can’t be that good. All Counsellors have to have volunteered and accrued practical hours during their training. That’s hundreds of unpaid hours expected before you can consider being paid.

Perhaps if the world was less hostile, more understanding and accepting to those with mental health Issues or concerns, maybe people wouldn’t need Counsellors, maybe they would be access the support and the space in their daily lives and support networks. As it is I offer people space, I give them time, I do my very best to listen and to assist them to see the very best (and sometimes the very worst of themselves) and to become themselves “but better”.

I give my clients room to breathe, to be themselves, to take the filters off, to say it how it really is.

Actually you know what – I enjoy what I do, what I do works, I can’t change the world’s attitude but I can help clients to help themselves one client at a time and that’s good enough for me.

In the meantime...

PS. If any of my clients would like to comment or send me anonymous comments to add that would be awesome.

Image: screen capture from the movie Shrek by Dreamworks Animation.